Funny Facebook Status Quotes & Sayings

I want to make a Facebook account and the name will be Nobody so when I see stupid crap people post, I can Like it. And it will say Nobody Likes This.


Facebook is like jail, you sit around and waste time, write on walls, and get poked by people you don't know.




The teacher asks Timmy "why is your cat at school today?" Timmy says, crying, "Because I heard my daddy say to my mommy, 'I'm going to eat that pussy when the kids leave.' so I'm saving him!"


If you're talking behind my back, you're in a good position to kiss my ass!





Drunk people run stop signs, high people wait for them to turn green.





Touch it gently, put two fingers inside, if it's wide use three fingers, make sure it's wet and rub up and down. Yep that's how you wash a cup.



Wife: honey I want you to whisper dirty things in my ear! Husband: kitchen, living room, dinning room, patio


Admit it, at least once in our life we have all tried to balance the light switch between the on and off position.





...condom says to the tampon, "You put me out of a job for 1 week a month!" The tampon replies, "When you don't do your job properly, I lose mine for 9 months!"





"Username or Password incorrect." TELL ME WHICH ONE YOU SON OF A BITCH





I never get jealous when I see my ex with someone else, because my parents always taught me to give my used toys to the less fortunate.





In the past, when you were angry with someone you fought them. Now you just delete them off Facebook. That'll teach 'em to fuck with you.





I hate weddings. old people would poke me saying You're next. They stopped when I started going up to them at funerals and poking them, saying, You're next.










I changed all my passwords to 'incorrect'. So my computer just tells me when I forget.









I'm pretty sure the whole "ladies first" thing was created by a guy just to check out ass.





I just read last year 4,153,237 ppl got married. I don't want to start any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number?





Why is it when you run into a spider web, you suddenly turn into a ninja?





If you friend request me on facebook and your profile picture is a car, I will assume you're a transformer.


Wanna hear a joke about my penis? Never mind, it's too long.





Seeing a spider is nothing. It becomes a problem when it disappears.












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